mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
