is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
