I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.