Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂