i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better