He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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