We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
