Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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