omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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