So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
