hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
