My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
