i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
