I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
