Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
FUCK WHALES
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
