I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize