God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
