my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Randomize
