My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
