Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
