I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
