dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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