Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
