heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
