way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
