You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
im having a threesome with these popsicles
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
