at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
