you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
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I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
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Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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