After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
