Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
