well I can't set my house on fire every night
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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