The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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