Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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