im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
whose parrot is this?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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