Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
