he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
