Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
