Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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