It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
