I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
