Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
