WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
