i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
