Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Randomize
