I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I want a musical about memes.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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