I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
