I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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