I wannas sexs uuuuu
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
