history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
