Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
FUCK WHALES
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
