I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
