i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
