I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I cut my penus on the lid.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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