Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
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Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
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I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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