Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
