my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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