If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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