I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
