it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
