I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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