I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
