I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
