I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Randomize
