A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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