We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
